Philosophy of shopping carts

As one who has worked with shopping carts, both in the workplace and around the home, I have found that there is a certain relation to the way one deals with shopping carts to the way he deals with life. If he is a bagboy, he must clean the shopping carts and put them in order. If they are unclean, the bagboy must also then clean and order his life before then moving on to putting the carts in order. In order to make his life clean and put it in order, he must either a.) yell at a customer for being an idiot or b.) talk to his co-workers about how incredibly stupid the customers were on the day of the cart pushing. I say cart pushing because in order to order the carts in the right order in order to please the order of command and fulfill his orders, he must push the carts into the correct places of order.
Now, as the customer, one finds a direct relation between the cart and the life. A slob will never push his cart into the correct corral, lest he violate his values in life, that being laziness and slovenly behaviors, including scratching his butt in front of the poor, miserable cashier. To the slob, missing the corral isn’t an issue, it’s an art form. Other people, perhaps normal, perhaps rehabilitated from sewers, just miss. It’s like they get so close to the corral, but then completely forget where they were going and leave their cart at an obscure angle to the perfect line that the poor bagboy organized in the correct order, after putting his life into order in front of the order of command to fulfill his orders. These people, for whatever reason, decide that in order to fulfill their goals of being confused and stupid, they must not put the cart in the line, but next to, or opposite the line. Perhaps if they feel they must go the extra mile to complete their goals they will even push the cart into a bush.
This brings me to my next point. There is another breed of customer altogether which was recently discovered in the evolutionary chain of customers. This is a hard customer to find, especially when trying to locate his cart. Hence, this customer is given the name, “The hiding lazy,” or “lazius primitiva” (literally translating to the most primitive of human beings.) These people believe that it is necessary to camouflage their cart until they return to it, else it will be stolen from them. Inside of the store, when asked if they would like help, these customers decide to not reply, but rather turn their backs to the innocent bagboy and trot along down the line as if nothing happened. If asked again they run to a cashier and check out as quickly as possible, turning back on their way to their car in the side parking lot to ensure that no one is following them to their cart’s lair. They dare not to bring their cart with them, lest it be stolen at home from them, and then they must come here and locate another suitable cart which is the right smell. If it smells like cookies, it is often the most acceptable. If it smells like roses, nine out of ten “hiding lazies” will reject the cart as unfit for human companionship. After ensuring that all manner of life around the perfect carts they located is exterminated to the utmost degree allowed by law, they quickly leave before someone saw where they hid their carts.
After that, we have the oldest kind of customer, or “complania estupididioso”. This customer decides that no matter what the cashier says, every word that comes out of his mouth must be negative and derogatory towards the store and everything surrounding the store, including, at times, other customers. Often, the alpha males of “complania estupididioso” even challenge the alpha males of the store to chest boxing matches, in which the managers, or large kind store presences, watch as Patrick, the guardian alpha male of the store, screams in a strange language at the customer. I have conducted studies and found that most of the “complania estupididioso” never return to a store after a chest boxing match, due to the intimidation of being screamed at in a strange language. This customer is most likely to run away with a cart, never to return the cart, holding it as ransom until the store acquiesces to allowing the customer to breathe store air again.
Commonly put next in the evolutionary chain, known as a possible missing link, is “yellious omegus,” or in our tongue, “the loudest person alive”. This species believe that they are entitled to inform you of every mistake you make, and to top it off, they also only mention mistakes. Unlike “complania estupdidioso”, who will only make most comments during the line, “yellious omegus” requires no circumstances to complain, but rather enjoys varying the degrees by which they complain based on the circumstances they are faced with. In the line, “yellious omegus” will often call on other customers for support, hoping that by some miracle there is such a thing as a human hive mind. Instead of the effect it has on insects, however, I have found that when “yellious omegus” attempts to use the hive mind principle, it has a negative effect on the collective intelligence of the supposed hive to which the customer first attempted to derive meaning from. This customer will at random intervals shove their cart next to their car and then drive away, as if reserving the cart for the next time he or she visits the store. This differs from “lazius primitiva” in that the cart is not hidden, but rather PROCLAIMED, as if in defiance of the store and its employees. This customer will also attempt to commit suicide at times by jumping in front of a bagboy, the poor wretch, as the bagboy pushes a line of carts more than twenty carts long. When the bagboy spots “yellious omegus” and assumes that it is a stupid animal, the bagboy will swerve to attempt not to hurt such an unwise pest. “Yellious omegus” will then screech at the top of his lungs to make known his anguish at having not been run over by the line of carts that was moving so very slowly that it could not have hurt a fly.
Last, we have the normal customer. This customer stares at other customers like “complania estupididioso” and gawks at their unusual ranting and strange hand gestures, often covering the eyes of their young as “lazius primitiva” runs away from the employee trying to help him. Sometimes, perhaps even telling “yellious omegus” to stop talking before someone hurts him, the normal customer, or “likedbyth eemployees” is often happy with the store, commenting on how many good things the store does. This customer never tries to steal carts, and actually occasionally puts his carts in the line. This customer is also seen as the only customer with the ability to recognize that there is, indeed, a line of carts in front of them, and that it’s straight, with the intention of having more carts in the line.
This concludes my findings on the human race inside of the grocery store, including employees and various species of customers which they work with to potty train. If you wish to see where I found my basis for such a theory, you must only go to a grocery store and apply for a job, if you’re willing to accept the community service hours in the stead of your pay that is.